oceandreamer86 (oceandreamer86) wrote,

I ended up not taking the GRE after all. I just ended up wasting my money on the class. I was just too intimidated at the prospect of taking out a huge loan to pay for school. Im already hating paying rent and car bills and grocery bills, i could not possibly add another monetary stressor to my life. Also I have very strong feelings about education and feel like we should be France where it is available to all at no cost. Although im not totally updated on that fact, i think the current Pres, Sarkosy is trying to change that but im sure the French will stay true to form and protest. I think the French are highly displeased with him anyway, at least thats what my French tour guide told me. I mean it really is so stupid to saddle young adults with this ridiculous debt that they'll have to spend the next decade (usually more!) of their life paying off. Its hard enough starting off and also in a recession like what we are in now, the government should be creating more opportunities to give ppl specialized skill sets so they can go out and get jobs and pay their bills and boost the economy.

But I did get into a rut since that little plan failed me. I was pretty excited about going back to school but when i was stopped by fear of how to pay for it, I got kind of down. Then I started thinking it was time to get a more serious job but then i realized that wasnt what i wanted either. It bothered me for weeks until i finally figured out that i never gave myself that chance to travel like i had always wanted to at this time in my life. I had just really not pulled into consideration how hard it was to pay rent and save for a trip. And every time i get a little saved, something happens with me or the car or Louie and bam, its gone. So now Im moving to live in the house my mom just bought. Its kinda cool bc its not a house that i grew up in, she literally just bought it and its all new furniture and appliances and the house itself is only like 7 years old or something. She's been saving for years to be able to do that so its really cool to see her managing it all on her own and fixing it up the way she likes. Not that i care about fancy furniture and appliances, i myself would have gone for a cottage in the mountains but its cool to get totally free reign on my room and not be moving into a room that had high school me reminders all around it. Its a win win situation though, bc she is glad im moving home and has been asking me to do it for years. I can get some kind of non food and beverage job and do the domestic thing for a while and help out around the house. Like getting them to eat healthy for starters, they have terrible diets as of now bc of the single mom on the go mentality, but im about to cook the hell out of some delicious food once i move in. Then ill be able to save and help my mom out and plan my travels and spend quality time with her and my little sis.

I've notified work and landlord so its all set. Currently there is alot of roommate change going on in this house and somehow it has come to this: 7 people, 3 dogs and 3 cats. One house. One old old Asheville house that was built when ppl thought one bathroom to be suitable for all this space. So ....yeah. I look forward to not having to deal with that kind of thing. Im sure i'll miss my old life when im in Waxhaw living with my fam and hearing about fun music shows or art shows but I also need to remember how miserable leading a purposeless life is for me and that im doing the right thing. And I feel i will def come back and settle here eventually. I am just not ready to settle down yet, there's still so much I want to see and do. Its a bittersweet kind of deal but im relieved to have a plan and am looking forward to the life changes. Im going to Wyoming in Jan to visit Dana and was telling her about this on the phone and she said i definitely sounded more upbeat than the last time we talked.

So thats that. I threw a curveball at my therapist with that one, I think. He's a nice guy and all but I felt like he was suggesting strange things like having a relationship to fill my void. I always feel like relationships are about the last thing i want to focus on. I plan on being married to the love of my life (whoever that is) for decades so why even worry about what young punks i date in my 20s? I always end up dating assholes anyways. Well I was supposed to be packing. Ok I should pack. Ok, Dinner first...I doubt ill actually pack but i enjoy the delusion of maybe thinking i will.
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