oceandreamer86 (oceandreamer86) wrote,

calling it sobriety would make me feel like an alcoholic

I should update more. But I have been writing almost everyday in my own personal computer journal so that counts for something. Maybe this is super obvious but it really is helping me out. Mainly I am able to recognize certain behavior patterns and now I can take steps to break them. And I have so far.

I decided to give up drinking for three months. I really hadn't been drinking very much anyways...the last time I actually got drunk was probably St. Pattys. But this is Asheville, Beer City, USA (it actually is, somehow we beat Portland) so I would have a beer or two every now and again. Recently, one of my girlfriends from work got a job with Google in San Francisco so I met her at the Vault for a goodbye beverage. I walked downtown from my house with Louie and we sat outside and talked for a while and I had one gin and tonic. On the way home I suddenly felt depressed. And it was something that was noticeably different from the walk up and it hit so suddenly that it started to stress me out. I was thinking i had pretty much everything under control. But it may have been a combination of feeling like I had to motivate myself to get a real job too and I was nowhere near doing that and and Louie was on his worst behavior ever which he sometimes does when we go to public places. But I could also feel the affects of the drink since I dont drink too much. And I had also had a beer at my house before meeting her. So I blamed it on that and decided to quit for 3 months.

It's been a little over one month so far. And I am really enjoying it actually. Im kind of surprised, I thought I would at the very least be bitter about not seeing friends out as much and being left out of drinking plans. But its actually been kinda great for me. I have gone out once, to a Beats Antique show and it was the most fun I've had in a while. And I didn't drink a drop. On my way to my car after the show my girlfriend called me up from a bar that is on my way home so i stopped there too. It was the usual dance party and she was too fixiated on picking up a random guy to flirt with to boost her self esteem after her nasty recent breakup so I sort of escaped to the dance floor. I had alot of fun dancing but then i felt like a bad friend so i went to find her and tried to have a heart to heart and give her words of encouragement and told her to take the opportunity of being single again to explore her own desires and hobbies but I think it kinda fell on deaf ears. And the guys friends were super douchbags ("if you're not drinking, you're not really 'out'") so I went home.

I never realized how much energy drinking and going out sucks out of me. I guess it has to do with being an introvert. I have to be extroverted at work and extroverted after that if I go out and it really does take a toll that I have never noticed before. So now I am writing alot more and reading some. I walk Louie alot. I have started a pretty big herb garden bc I have a sudden motivation to be less reliant on this corrupt corporate culture and want to learn how to make my own natural remedies and eventually my own soap, shampoos, lotions, and clothes. I am growing spearmint, chocolate mint, lemon verbena, cilantro, sweet marjoram, roman and german chamomile, creeping rosemary, and chives.

Also, I have enrolled in a GRE prep course thats around the corner at UNCA. Last night was the first class and I can already tell its going to suck. But it will be good for me I am going to study hard and try to score as high as i possibly can to see if its possible for me to qualify for any financial aid. I would definitely like to go to grad school but I just don't believe that its worth going into debt to do it. So if I don't get a lot of free and clear aid I won't go, and Im sure i'll be just fine. But its worth a shot. And the GRE is going to be completely changed and reformatted starting August 1. I feel like thats the most impressive motivation I've had lately. Its been three years since college and now I quit drinking and suddenly I am motivated to take the GRE? I think there's a definite connection there.

This is all my own personal experience of course. I think a lot of people can do the partying thing and still stay on top of their work but I am just not one of those. Between paying all my bills my rent and Louie's expenses I can really barely afford to be drinking anyways. So this break is good for my wallet. I'd love to have my own place but right now im in this house with 5 other roommates and ONE bathroom. But its a really nice setup and great backyard for Lou, a firepit, bamboo, a nice little community garden, pretty cool and easy to live with people and all I have to worry about is the flat $460 rent each month. So its wise to just stay here and try and save my money.

Also, I went to the doctor today for a colposcopy (which SUCKS) but on the bright side, I found out that I have lost ten pounds. Hooray.

I do need to stop reading so many economics articles on the higher education bubble though bc it is kinda killing my GRE prep motivation. Articles like this one:


But at the same time its definitely giving me the courage to shoot for all the financial aid I could possibly get and turn down the opportunity if its just not worth it.

Ok i'm going to be late to work. And its a double shift. And I hate Tuesday nights. But I hate being broke more, and I need to pay my mom back for the GRE class.
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